NFL week 6: Final results ATS (White Men Can Bet edition)

17 October 2018

Ladies, ladies … I don’t mean to brag, but I am the greatest.”   –Sidney Deane, White Men Can’t Jump

NFLbets went against one of our central tenants of betting last week, throwing down proper money on seven separate wagers whereas the correct number is typically three to five at absolute most. But what can we say? So much goodness was on the table last week – Chucky and the Raiders in London? The Bills and Texans baseball game? The Broncos at home on a five-game ATS winless streak? – we were thanking the sportsbook gods all weekend last weekend. Hell, if we could’ve ignored our distaste for the Washington Racists, we’d have only the frustrated Jaguars to blame for mussing our clean sweep.

Below runs a complete list of results for week 6 in NFLbets’ standard format, i.e. adjusted for the point spread; all results listed in boldface indicate games in which the SU and ATS results differed. Comments courtesy Os Davis; all content edited for OTT self-congratulatory language.

• Philadelphia Eagles 32½ at New York Giants 13. Confess, all those who bet on the Eagles to win the NFC East: You didn’t think you’d be sweating it this badly already, did ya?

• Dallas Cowboys 40, Jacksonville Jaguars 4. Same goes for Jags bettors. Incidentally, feel free to bet on the under in Cowboys games from here on in; with this offense, Dallas may score 40 in its next three games combined. Not that NFLbets is bitter about losing on the under or anything…

• Denver Broncos 20, Los Angeles Rams 16½. Denver becomes the last team to earn its first ATS win of 2018, and Rams point spreads should be artificially low for a week or three after consecutive ATS losses.

• Pittsburgh Steelers 28 at Cincinnati Bengals 19½. Games like this demonstrate to all those outside the greater Cincinnati area why the Steelers have dominated this division for so long. The Bengals are the indisputable league leaders in kvetching and remain in the top 2 or 3 in the Dumb Ass Football (DAF) metric.

• Buffalo Bills 13 at Houston Texans 9½. You watch: the Texans are going to alienate ever single NFL bettor in America by losing ATS in inexplicable ways, get 50/1 odds to win Super Bowl LIV and then steal the thing with Vegas full of dudes holding Los Angeles Rams tickets…

• Seattle Seahawks 24½, Oakland Raiders 3 (in UK). NFLbets wishes we could get more self-congratulatory about bagging 200 Moneys (NFLbets’ preferred form of currency) on this one, but who couldn’t see this coming?

• Baltimore Ravens 18½ at Tennessee Titans 0. The Titans are averaging exactly 14.5 points per game. And they’re leading the AFC South. Just sayin’.

• Washington 23, Carolina Panthers 15½. Right about now, only Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara are keeping the NFC South from a state just about as execrable as the AFC South…

• Atlanta Falcons 31, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 29. …and no, NFLbets won’t be fooled by the return of the high-flying(ish) Falcons offense, either. Not when the defense allows Jameis Winston & Co. to run up 29 points.

• Kansas City Chiefs 40 at New England Patriots 39½. And now we await the rematch of these two teams in the AFC Championship Game – except it’s just not going to happen. Mark it down. There is an early-round playoff exit in the Patriots’ future.

• Los Angeles Chargers 38 at Cleveland Browns 13. The NFL’s Clippers are now 3-0-0 ATS on the road. You know why? Because *L.A. is not a true home city!* Maybe this team should be the one moving to London – they’ve got about as many fans there as they do in Southern California for sure.

• Minnesota Vikings 17, Arizona Cardinals 17. Overrated by fans, underrated by sportsbooks: Despite a 3-2-1 win-loss record thought to be weak by many NFL fans, the Vikings have been a great bet at the book in 2018, as they’re a league second-best 4-1-1 ATS.

• New York Jets 39½, Indianapolis Colts 34. “Could Sam Darnold really give Saquon Barkley a run for the “2018 NFL Rookie of the Year” player proposition money?” That sort of crazy talk should be quieted down quite a bit in a couple of weeks, with the Jets next playing vs the Vikings and at the Chicago Bears.

• Miami Dolphins 31, Chicago Bears 24½. Brock Osweiler, you’re NFLbets’ f&#^&#^ing hero. And you will be next week, too, when we bet gobs against you on the road.

• San Francisco 49ers 30 at Green Bay Packers 24. Thank you, NFL bettors, for once again throwing too much money at the Packers: Green Bay is now 2-4-0 ATS this season thanks to overrating by bookies and bettors; these trends show no signs of lapsing.